Question 11

Question 11

Why do i not feel confident now although i have in the past?

Because there really is a price to pay for not believing in the concept of cliques.
In retrospect, it's alright, but at the moment that it hits you, it usually hits hard.
The price for not belonging to a clique is the one of having no certainty in who your friends really are. It takes years to build a good friend, and yet, only days or hours to break one.
You may say that i have many friends. Certainly, i know a lot of people and are on personal talking terms with them, but does this qualify as friendship?
Friends are those who remain when others let you down. Friends are those that would show up at an unrelated event just because you're there.
Friends should be people that you really like spending time with and vice-versa.
Of course i have friends, real friends, but in those moments of doubt you tend to forget this and focus on how many people you know would abandon you if ever a crisis arose.

And then there's the situation in which i like someone.
People like confidence. Men and women both, appreciate confidence.
And yet, when i'm single and in that situation, all confidence leaves me and i second guess my every action in regards to that person. I tend to show a stranger and less stable side of myself (which, incidentally is obviously not attractive. It's not bad... just... strange). This of course tends to have the effect of scaring off the potential person and that's why it's so much harder for me to start relationships than maintain them.

And both these items are related, as the lack of confidence in myself begins with "her" effect on me, which makes me have self doubt in relation to my friendships.
Considering that people make up more than half of everything i strive to do in my life, love is obviously very important to me.