PSFK

PSFK.

Hm, third draft. To be perfectly honest i'm having a hard time to begin typing this document. It's not that there isn't anything to say about PSFK, to the contrary(!!) It was a truly amazing experience in many ways...
But it felt slightly unnatural to write, as this was initially more of an assignment than a creative and natural process.
So i will write in this informal, natural style, and hopefully the right words will come to mind at the time that they're supposed to, just as they always do.
I apologize for the unexpected format of this post in advance.


Ok, so where to start?
First of all, i'd like to give a tip of my hat (well, if i had one) to: (alphabetical order, no discrimination here either)

-Benita Lim, for an excellent job of coordinating us volunteers as well as other duties. (http://www.bulletproof.com.sg ,more shameless promotion)

-Jeff Squires, PSFK employee and event organiser

-Piers Fawkes, PSFK co-founder and Asia conference moderator,


The Asia Conference 2008 (hereby referred to as PSFK for simplicity and subliminal messaging purposes) was beneficial in many ways, not the least of which were material:
I arrived with nothing, and left with:
1- A PSFK t-shirt.
(in the order of being found in my with no discrimination meant)
2- A business card from the (Singapore branch) Lucasfilm animation's Director of Training.
3- A business card from Achara "Ju" Masoodi, Mindshare Asia pacific division. Job title? The Scout.
4- A business card from Panasonic Avionics' Chief Representative and Executive Director of China.
5- A business card from the Senior Art Director of Imaginary friends studios (Godlike skilled digital designers. Check out their website: http://www.imaginaryfs.com)
6- A business card from the director (and contact with the managing director) of Singapore based next-media firm Elasticity (soon to be renamed as Rune Entertainment Asia)
7- A wonderful meal and snacks provided by Yahoo's SEA division
8- 2 bags containing further information on participating sponsors and agencies, including an "awesome" (name of org) cd.
9- 4 Apple martinis, and a glass of white wine on the "super famous (name of bar - more shameless promotion) house.

Material benefit is good of course, but hardly essential, and hardly able to qualify the conference as a success.
The more important, more intangible side of all this were of course the social and educational benefits.

I've learned some trend based theories such as the tipping point (Malcolm Gladwell - excellent author), but am overall generally new in the field of trend research and understanding. As such, i would have loved to attend most of the conference... but was too busy running around backstage assisting in various duties ^^; However, from those few presentations and panels that i did get to attend, i managed to gather a clear and yet in depth understanding of some issues at stake.
Obviously, they don't teach you this in Uni.
Looking forward to the video being uploaded... i'll be able to catch the other presentations and review what i've already seen.

The social aspect was, in my mind, the most spectacular of the conference.
This is where being a student gives me a different point of view. When i discovered that the tickets to the conference were S$1000, i was shocked and pleased. Shocked, cause hey, for a student, that's a price out of my range. Pleased, because i would be able to mingle with the elite.
I've always been a fairly social person, and the opportunity to mingle with people of this caliber was not something i would let slip by quietly.
These are the nationally and internationally based representatives or directors of institutions and organisations worldwide: these are those for whom you wish to work one day, or strive to become.
And after all, you can learn more about a person by talking to them than by listening to a presentation.
The conversations opened up doors for me. But more than "simply" career opportunities, i learned to have more confidence in myself and my professional image. I was taught by one to "dare", to take a gamble on my abilities and put yourself in a path of life where i would _need_ to succeed to survive. I re-opened my interest in Japan as a workplace, and heard stories of how this was feasible - as well as being equipped by the conference on how to do it well.

I'm young, educated, but still quite ignorant of working life's non-theoretical ways.
I stand on my world of education, but PSFK acted as window through which i peered into the creative professional galaxy.
I'm tempted to reach in.

Ah well. Relationships first. Studies second.
The professional world will wait, and i'll be ready for it when i come back to this door.

PSFK

So i recently attended the PSFK Asia Conference 2008...
and. what. an. experience.
I'm currently still in the process of writing a more complete blog about it all, so patience is appreciated ;)

Question 13

Question 13

What fortifies me?

I was asked to answer this question in a secular way, without reference to God. So, i'll just state that he is part of the answer, and elaborate on the rest:

Smiles.
Laughs.
Hugs.
Encouraging comments.
Facebook posts.
Friends around me.
Love of someone ->
Hope.

Hope would be the greatest encouragement.
Generally, the hope of possibility. No matter how bad a fix i'm in, i strongly believe that there's always hope. There's always a way out... And as long as i can believe that there's an answer to the problem, somewhere, anywhere, i will continue living.
Situations that seem to have no resolution, i will push to resove.
One could say that i have "faith" in "hope".
[with faith here meaning, i quote: "complete trust or confidence in someone or something"]
The link isn't always strong and hope does not always shine brightly, but i believe it'll always be there. So no matter how distant, hope will guide and fortify me.

Question 12

Question 12

Why am i not afraid of sharing my mistakes?

Everyone makes mistakes, and it's an integral part of growing up. Of learning. An essential step on the way to maturity.
The way that people "grow" is simple.
They make mistakes,
they aknowledge their mistakes
they strive to understand why it was a mistake
they learn from their mistake
And finally they avoid making the same mistake the next time.
Some mistakes are more embarrassing than others, some deal with tabboo issues like drug use or sexuality... there are many reasons why people would choose to hide the mistakes they've made, even if it's a normal process. No one wants to be judged on something they've done in the past. It's human to always try to expose the best part of yourself for the outside world to see.
To my readers, of course i want to seem like a good person. But above that, i want to be seen as a person of integrity. So i lay out my faults along with the rest because i know you will trust me more. Even if what i say is not always correct, you will know that it is what i consider to be the truth. Or perhaps you will see your mistakes in mine and sympathize. Or know that i understand what your problem is.
I may lose a little respect, a little idealism.. but it's a small price to pay for a person's trust.

Question 11

Question 11

Why do i not feel confident now although i have in the past?

Because there really is a price to pay for not believing in the concept of cliques.
In retrospect, it's alright, but at the moment that it hits you, it usually hits hard.
The price for not belonging to a clique is the one of having no certainty in who your friends really are. It takes years to build a good friend, and yet, only days or hours to break one.
You may say that i have many friends. Certainly, i know a lot of people and are on personal talking terms with them, but does this qualify as friendship?
Friends are those who remain when others let you down. Friends are those that would show up at an unrelated event just because you're there.
Friends should be people that you really like spending time with and vice-versa.
Of course i have friends, real friends, but in those moments of doubt you tend to forget this and focus on how many people you know would abandon you if ever a crisis arose.

And then there's the situation in which i like someone.
People like confidence. Men and women both, appreciate confidence.
And yet, when i'm single and in that situation, all confidence leaves me and i second guess my every action in regards to that person. I tend to show a stranger and less stable side of myself (which, incidentally is obviously not attractive. It's not bad... just... strange). This of course tends to have the effect of scaring off the potential person and that's why it's so much harder for me to start relationships than maintain them.

And both these items are related, as the lack of confidence in myself begins with "her" effect on me, which makes me have self doubt in relation to my friendships.
Considering that people make up more than half of everything i strive to do in my life, love is obviously very important to me.

Question 10

Question 10

Do i like to observe things from an outside point of view, and then think of the in a deeper tone?

Huh, this is one strangely formatted question.
But yes, i do.
Umm... i like to think of the reason behind things. Or other possibilities. Or imagine what could have happened.
I like to observe a [emotional] situation unfold between two people and predict what he or she might have done to arrive at a happier ending.
I observe, i think, i learn, and then i try to help the next time.
I like to watch couples and predict whether or not they'll be together in a few years. In many years. Or... in a few months.
I like to observe how a couple may appear happy but are letting subconscious signs of discontent slip out and learn from them without interrupting.
I like to watch balloons and theorize on how much weight should be attached to the other end to create a perfect vertical balance.
I like wondering if all people actually saw different colors to which humankind has commonly attributed names. I like to wonder about how this theory would fit in with the concepts of gradients and light, and whether or not it could make sense.
I wonder similarily about taste and if the same fruit could mean two different things to different people, while maintaining the same nouns.
I like to sit in a dark room and talk to myself strange things.
I like wondering if i may be a little mentally off-balance after sitting and talking to myself in the dark for thirty minutes.
I used to like cutting myself with sharp objects, but only when i was absolutely certain that i was emotionally stable. I wanted to experience what it would feel like to do such a thing, while being reassured that no serious harm could come to me, or that i could not lose control of the situation.
I like typing notes like this, trying to explain who i am.
I like appearing "not quite normal" while also trying very hard to integrate myself into the lives of others.

I like doing many normal things for deeper reasons. Or seemingly deeper reasons.

Most interestingly, i like wondering whether or not other people go through this process.
I like wondering what you're thinking after having read this.

Question 9

Question 9

Do i have any kind of discriminatory system going on? Classicist, elitist, racist, sexist, homophobic?

Again, a difficult question disguised under an easier one.
I would think: "No. Plain and simple, no." But taking all things into account...
Classicist? Definitely not.
Racist? Hah. No.
Sexist: If anything, people could accuse me of being slightly sexist to the benefit of women, not their detriment.
Homophobic? No. In disagreement with the gay lifestyle but definitely not homophobic.
Elitist? Ehhh.....
So maybe a bit.
I like class. I like power. I like people dressed in crisp suits and women wearing cocktail dresses. I always feel at home in the lobby of a 4 or 5 star hotel... It's hard to describe, but i feel very, very.... at peace there. Like i belong.
More than illusions of grandeur, i think i have what it takes to make it in this world, and i would like to think that i will.
I admire higher society a great deal while remaining skeptical of their lower points. It's easy to think "i'm not going to fall into that pattern, right?" from down here, but i will have to remain vigilant.
Ignorant people frustrate me. I make an effort to get along well with any and everyone, but ignorance makes it hard. I may at times consider myself above them (not in a racially or humanly superior sense but socially)
It's interesting. I admire the elite for their ability, but am ashamed of their behavior. I want to be the other one up there, the one who makes it and remains integral. They exist, but are considerably fewer. I'll have to make a real effort... And i will need my friends to keep my mind down here.
So yes, my fatal flaw. I'm kinda cocky and i think i'm better than you most of the time. I think i'm more mature than other people in my age range and may show frustration at being stuck at this level due to age.
No one's perfect, and that's why i need you, my friends (and random blog readers) to keep me realistic by showing me my flaws.
I want to be perfect of course. So point out the problem and i'll try to work on it. You've been warned though: i'm proud sometimes and i know it.

Question 8

Question 8

How do i deal with cliques, and integration into them?

Cliques... i've always kind of hated the word ever since i found out what it meant. What's the point of having a group of friends that you would restrict yourself to? In some other cases, what's the point of surrounding yourself with only like-minded people?

I do not belong to a clique. Or perhaps you would say that i belong to several, making no distinction of the invisible lines traced by others.
I try to evaluate people on a case by case basis. Your friends are not my friends, and your enemies are not my enemies by default. I may be given a positive or negative outlook from your perspective but i will still attempt to treat a person fairly when meeting them for the first time. [There are, of course, exceptions to this. If a girl tells me that her ex is a asshole without further justification, i will carry a negative conotation of this person but still give him fair treatment when meeting for the first time. my friend is obviously fairly biased, and perhaps it was simply a misunderstanding between them. IF however the same situation repeats itself and it is known as fact that he cheated on her, i will give him no respect as he deserves none. This is not due to personal bias but in respect to the person himself and his past documented actions.]
Integration into cliques is easy. Far easier than believed, probably.

Cliques are just groups of people that feel comfortable together.
Although people like that feeling of familiarity, it is almost never the case that a person who fits well with everyone else in the group is not able to join it. Makes sense, doesn't it?
To join a clique, all that is needed is social sense as well as a little effort on your part.
People want friends.
Friends are made through connections.
So get connected. Find something relevant to talk about. Take safe topics.
And by "safe" i don't mean things that are non-emotionally related.
by "safe" i mean things that people naturally have a strong opinion of.
Politics
Music
Sex (but be cautious when using this one though, depending on who you're talking to and how open they are. Note, this subject is far easier to bring up amongst a group than one on one: can be extremely awkward and mar the potential connection perhaps beyond repair)

Talk to everyone, when one person of the clique sees that you are comfortable with more than at least one other person there, they will likely open up to you. The more people in the clique accept you, the faster the others will want to know you too.
The beginning's the hardest part, but once the initial victory is won it's very simple and a matter of just being someone that they would want as a friend. I'm gonna write another entry on how to do that later though.

Question 7

Question 7

How did i evolve from a timid anti-social person to who i am now?

This question can be answered in steps. Contrarily to what one might think, the changes weren't very gradual but were set by definite events.

Stage 1: timid, anti-social: 4 years ago.
15 years old, not popular, shadowed by a brother (who is reading this :P but hey, it _was_ true) and knows nothing about women whatsoever.
Then, i met Ashley, who would eventually come to be my first girlfriend.
It was not hard to relate to her, we both had... "different" tastes, and i overcame my timidity of her that way.
She was very much a "screw the world and society if they don't like you" kind of person, and i adopted that attitude from her, since i did not really have one of my own. I learned to care less about what society and friends thought about me... and to my great surprise, people started liking me more when i tried to please them less.
I was no longer quite as timid, although definitely still quite antisocial.

The next step was upgrading my confidence. Looks matter.
No matter what they say, looks matter.
I WILL however emphasize that it's about feeling good in your skin than looking good in comparison to the norm.
A person that thinks they look nice will be less awkward, and act more naturally around members of the opposite (and similar) sex. Through this boost to their confidence, their charisma and social outlook will also change, making them that much more sociable.
Now i'd never been proud of my appearance before, not even with Ashley. I wasn't ashamed of who i was, but i didn't like the way i looked. I didn't feel handsome, or even average.
That all changed when i went to Japan. Feb 2007.
Suddenly i caught people looking my way (of both genders) and the attitude of some towards me finally made me feel... wanted. Accepted as being above the norm. I qualify much of this to my skin color, racial stereotypes that white people are nicer (as portrayed in japanese movies) and general curiosity but still. Still. It gave me that confidence boost that i needed so badly and completely and radically changed my life.
Haha, now i'd say i'm fairly confident about everything in life from my future to my job to my life in general, except for love. Ah, treacherous thing.

So yes. That's how i changed to how i am today, mostly, with small refinements from friends along the way.
If you're in the slump that i was in, here's my (not so serious) advice.
1- Get a rebellious girlfriend.
2- Go to Japan. You'll love it.

Monologue

Hi.
Hello.

It's nice to meet you.. to be honest, i've been waiting a really long time.
Really? Yes.. i think... since i was 12.
You know, I still remember a bit: my parents and my brother were hovering around the light of the candles. I was still in bed, having just woken up to this aromatic breakfast greeting me. Smiles, laughs, much more vibrant than this white room that we're surrounded by.
I looked down at my pancakes, and at those 12 flickering candles... And wished to meet you.
Not a wish, really. More of a prayer. Although i don't think i'd come to truly believe at that time, it was a rare moment of clarity where i knew God was listening, so i told him.
Then i blew them out.

I hope that the seat isn't too uncomfortable.
I know that this isn't exactly the most romantic location that i could meet you in, this half empty white washed room. Not knowing the future has that effect.
I'd rather not predict right now where i'll meet you. Or if i already have. Or if it's soon or far away in the corridors of time.

I chose the room. Half-bland. Half-white. Half-plain. half-empty.
Nothing is on your side, yes. But anything could happen. I'm not going to close off my possibilities.
i brought my pens. Pencils, brushes and paint. Scrap metal and paper. Dyes, cloths, clay. They're yours now.
Lead me, create your side of the room. Let me find out who you are.
Paint. Sing. Dance. Flood your side with color, and let me drown in your world.

...
Hello.
I've been waiting for you... a long time.
Huh? No, i'm not repeating myself by accident.
It's important, and i want you to understand.
It's nice to meet you. It's beautiful.

Obsessed? Hah, maybe just a little.
I've been here a long time, is it any wonder that i would make an image of you to wait for?
I prefer the term passionate.
I haven't met you yet, but i love you.
you'll understand some day.
There. That smile... it warms my heart. I look forward to seeing that again.

Are you feeling cold? Here, i'll hold you for a while.
You know that you can count on me to keep this empty room away.

No, no... please don't cry.
i know, i don't want to leave either.
Space does not exist here, but time does.
And it's leaving.
I have to go soon. I have to go back.
Where? You know as well as i do.

Goodnight....

I'm sorry. I might lie to you now, although i vow to ever remain honest.
Maybe it's not so much a lie of another wish. Another prayer.

I'll...
I'll see you soon.

Question 6

Question 6

What is it that motivates me?

The answer to this one is simple:

Love.

Love in its many, various forms.
Of these 3, two are most prevalent.
Passion love-
Friend love-
(the third, physical love, also has its important place, but not in my motivations unless specific requirements are met)

Friend love:
The interaction between people is a main motivation in my life. I want to find out why people are the way they are. What pushes them. How to understand them. How to relate to them. That's why some people say that i'm a good listener: everything matters. Flaws, quirks, good times, problems... all help in the understanding of a person, and all are part of my goal.
Hmm... how to explain?
Each person contains a goal. And that goal is to know the person well enough to be considered a good friend. To always be able to relate and share.
If you're reading this, and i know you, then you are also part of my goal. You've taken the time to try to find out about who i am, i will therefore return the favor in earnest and sincerity. Not out of a form of abligation or to "return the favor", no. Just because that's who i am. This is what i do with my life.

Note:
I'm crazy enough to spell my life out like this. Bar nothing, trust all completely. If i have no secrets, what point is there in trying to undermine me? There is no need for gossip. Anything good or bad you want to know about me i will gladly share.
Of course i don't expect this of others. It takes a long time to win someone's trust, and i will be normal in trying to get to know you better and earn your trust.

Passion love:
It would help to read the monologue i wrote to understand a bit more about this. (will post this up next)
Since 12, (with of course an increasing amount of seriousness) i have waited for "her".
At first, she was whoever i liked at the time.
Then she was projected onto my first girlfriend.
Then the second.
Now i don't dare to judge or take a guess at who she might be anymore. I will leave that to God's will, as i'm sure he has the right person for me lurking somewhere. ;) Therefore the empty chair in the monologue.

I may have met her already. I may meet her in 10 years, who knows?
I'll only be sure the moment that we're walking down the aisle together, Our hands entwined around the new rings that shine so brightly.
I'd do anything to find out who she was... but it's frustrating that the only true proof is time, and you can't hurry that up. All i can do is choose wisely, and hope that she will be the next one.

It kills me, not knowing. And at the same time, it's oddly enticing.
Do i know her? Is she reading this now?
Are you reading this now?

Question 5

Question 5

What is God to me?

God is.... a father, a reason, and a watcher.

God the father:

He is the one being that will never let me down. Even in times of deepest depression i know he's there, and that he cares. He's the one that makes sure that i'm never alone.
There was this one event once, soon before i came to truly believe. I was having lots of problems with family and girlfriend and was unable to cope. I broke down in the midst of one of the worst depressions i've ever had, and lying on my bed locked in my house, i cried. I cried a lot, over many things. After a long while, i took it in my mind to consider God. God that my parents had taught me so much about, God that i learned about every week when i went to church to see my friends. Yeah, so what about God? I was desperate. But honest. Challenging everything, so...
I challenged Him. Stupid, i know, but i did.
I basically said: "hey God, i learned so much about you, but look where i am now, look what you let happen to me. If you're really there, show me. Prove it."
And he did.
Its like after i finished my challenge, my mind went blank as every problem was erased from my consciousness, and i felt an amazing, indescribable feeling of peace. The kind you only read about in books about spiritual encounters and that you never quite believe. Well, it was my turn that day.
There was no doubt from that day on that i'd been part of a miracle. Words don't do it justice, but i KNOW.
And once you've seen the truth, there's no going back. Ever.
I found a God that will never leave me, and i will never leave him.
he is, truly, a father to me.

God the reason:

God is a reason. He is a perfection that i try (miserably may i add) to achieve. He is why i live my life the way i do. He is why honesty is a key virtue in my life. In extension, he is probably one of the reasons i'm writing this text right now as well.
The funny thing is, through these texts and questions i will spare no detail whether it be good or bad about myself.
You may read these and hate me. You may read these and love me. You will probably read these and think me weird :P
But no matter what the outcome is, you will know i am honest.
As a father, he is the reason i try to live my life well, to fulfill his expectations. He is the reason why.

God the watcher.

God is also someone that always sees what i am up to, and from who i can hide nothing. Having a permanent, holy, gaze on your life does certainly stop one from indulging in many temptations.

Question 4

Question 4

I you were told right now that you had a twin but he/she died before he/she could totally develop - how would you feel?

I think i would have to live through it to give a fully convinving and honest answer.
But i'll just answer it as i am now, which will probably give more of a look into my character than actual truth.
It's fairly interesting, and some would say disturbing, but yes, this is honestly how i would react.

1) If the twin was male.
I wouldn't care too much. I would be kind of shocked that no one had told me this before, but i would not feel any regrets. Maybe a little curiosity.

2) If the twin was female
I would feel sad. In fact, i feel sad right now thinking about it.
I must honestly say that i've a fascination with the female side of things. Perspectives, habits, thoughts. Not to make them my own, but to garner a deeper understanding of them. I have at times wondered what it would be like to be female. I have at times wished that this were the case. And of course i know that's impossible... but if i had a twin sister, i would take great care of her. I would try to take her pain and protect her (but not to the point of overbearingness, as is seen in so many movies/anime) She would be who i could not, and would do what i can not. She would be a living incarnation of the other side of my mind. We would be close.
:\
I miss her.

Question 3

Question 3

What do i think i exist for?

I live for 2 things: God and hapiness. I think i've already pretty much explained myself in another question that was asked before. See the entry under question 2.

Question 2

What are my principle goals in life?

Hm.
I coined this set of phrases recently which i think covers it pretty well.

-----
Social is an art, and people a canvas.
Friends are successes. Enemies, failures.
Love is a masterpiece,
and God is the reason why i paint.

Life is simple: Maximize your success, minimize your failures. Strive to accomplish a masterpiece, and never forget why you started painting.
-----


I think it's pretty self-explainable. But since the point of these notes is to be comprehensive, i'll give a little background to it.
My life revolves around 2 things: God, and people. Money and quality of life do not enter the equation at any major level. Of course i'd love to have a well paying job, but i wouldn't mind a humble life. I want what's best for my family, and that may be the money --- point being not what amount of money it is, but WHY i'm getting it.
I want what everyone wants: happiness.
A lot of people equate: money = happiness.
Or Money = nice house = hapiness.
or Money = many possessions - hapiness.
Or any other variant that BEGINS with MONEY = and ends with Happiness.
My principles goals are all fueled by: People =
People = friendship + love + money + service + time + smiles = happinness.
So even if i'm poor, as long as i have friends, love, enough to survive, people to rely on, people that can spend time with me, and smiles i'll be truly happy. Even living in a trailer park with no possessions.
Careful hmm? It's so easy to love money.
My other main Goal is to serve God faithfully.
Without God, what's the point? Why live a successful life if when you die, you die? Life is about so much more than enjoying it, we have a purpose to fulfill... and all true christians understand that. It's not a chore although it may be difficult at times. I am but a servant, and i hope to make my God proud :)

Question 1

Question Number 1

What is the worst thing i've ever done to a person?

At first, i thought i would have a hard time answering this question, but i realized that i have done something horrible to someone in the past.
I'm not proud of it of course. Who is proud of their biggest mistake?
I broke someone's heart. And not in an easy way. Not in a progressive way.
Because i didn't want to hurt her, i pretended that everything was fine between us. I pretended, and pretended, and until the very last second i don't think she suspected how much harder it was for me to continue loving her. The long distance didn't help much of course... But i'm not going to get into why i broke up with her just yet. That would be getting off the question.
Having your heart broken by someone is never easy.
Having your heart broken when you're convinced they're going to marry you, and you were seriously planning to travel internationally to get a job where they live, and serious enough to book a plane ticket when they tell you they're going to leave...
I'm a bit ashamed of how i did it in the end. I'm ashamed of LOGIC.
I did it well. Efficiently. I told her, i consoled her, i tried to continue the friendship... I followed all the right steps (note: i did so _with_ emotion as this was very hard for me as well, it wasn't just calculations or going through the motions).
So then, why did i do it?
Again, for "the right reason". For "the future".
She was going to come to Singapore and work here, all for my sake.
I didn't know if i was capable of continuing to love her for the rest of my life, and i didn't want to ruin hers by having her come here and then breaking up eventually.
So i did "the right thing" and i broke it off before she could come, to save her pain later on.

Please, anyone who read this, tell me if that makes sense.

Expanding on the first question, i'll try to tackle the issue: "what is the worse thing you'd ever do to a person?"
Hm. I think i'm a nice enough guy and i would instinctively go for the answer "nothing". But of course the way that one thinks when one is angry or depressed is very much varied from the norm.
I don't really "do" anger or hate. I do resentment.
I do avoidance, i do disgust. I do not do gossip. I do not bring physical pain in the balance. I do not insult. I do sarcasm.
Hm, sarcasm, yes. if i need to be angry at you for whatever reason (and trust me, it is VERY dificult to get me angry :P) I will
1- avoid you to avoid problems.
I have an intrinsic and interesting ability to REALLY not be able to hold a grudge. Give me 2 days, maximum a week, and i'll be desperatly trying to fix our relationship whatever any given problem was in the past. (unless it's something REALLY huge which i've luckily yet to deal with.) So avoid you, the problem will not go away, but i will regain the will to try to fix the problem in time.
2- If i cannot avoid you, use sarcasm. No outright attacks, but i will attempt (and generally quite well) to make anything you say sound ignorant. I'm not proud of this.

Again, as mentionned earlier, it's very, very, very difficult to actually get me angry, so you'll likely never see this. But these notes are to let people know about me, even the less positive, less advertised aspects.

A little creativity anyone?

So, yes. What a way to start off a blog, with three little mind purges, recorded down in electronic format.

Advice? Thoughts? I'd love to receive some serious feedback on these (although the odds of this happening are _extremely_ low, it never hurt to hope.

Next up, some happier notes.
I know at least a few people will be reading this.. _waves to PSFK conference organizer_
You're the reason i started this blog in the first place.
Well, i've been up all night typing my essay and am understandably tired.
Let me just finish off this referencing, then class......

Malnourished. Memory. Transparent. (3/3)

She checked herself in the mirror one last time to make sure she was ready.
Deep breaths. Deep breaths she reminded herself, trying to ignore all the ladies scurrying around her. The white dress fit her rather perfectly, giving her a look she'd lusted after for ages.
"Ow!"
She turned around to see one of her bridesmaids had dropped a small porcelain bowl on her foot.
It's all-right she told herself. It was a big day, people were allowed to be nervous.

-----

He cursed as he woke up to the sound of children playing outside.
Fuck. He swore to himself that he'd find that damned football and puncture it. He got up too quickly and had to sit back down as a sharp pain blossomed in his head. Bloody alcohol.
She was still sleeping of course. Lazy bitch.
He shouted at her to get out of bed as he fumbled around the bedroom floor on his hands and knees to find his pants.
He stumbled into the bathroom and stared at his reflection in the mirror. He needed a bloody shave.
He cupped his hands, and threw water on his face.

-----

The water was slightly cold, but he paid no mind to this as he stepped in, his white robe progressively getting heavier as it soaked in the water around him. He looked up, into the encouraging eyes of his pastor, and took another step forwards. He knew that the world around him was paying attention, his family and friends, his fellow church members, but he forced himself to push them to the back of his mind and focus on God. He took another few steps forwards, and listened as the pastor gave his blessings.
A hand came up, he felt a soft pressure as he was bent back and immersed into the water.
A breath, closed eyes, and the water. Then light, opened eyes, a smile.
And i different kind of light.

-----

The water was slightly cold, but he paid no mind to this as the butt of the gun pressed harder into his head and pushed him forward, one hesitant step at a time. He looked up at his countryside, ravaged and war-torn, as the sun set slowly, bathing the landscape in its blood. This was all that he was fighting for, this destroyed land. He stopped moving, looking bleakly on at what he had contributed to.
The gun pushed harder, but he did not move.
He fell to his knees, looked blankly on at the pointlessness of his actions, and waited for the bullet.

-----

His roommates were still asleep and the lights off as he woke from his reverie.
He had dreamt of her. He had dreamt of her for the first time. Tottering on the brink of sleep and excitement, he reached out from his bed to the laptop which lay there on the floor besides it.
He recreated the dream in his mind trying to remember every vivid detail, every second he saw her face... And he turned on the computer, careful to muffle the speakers with his hands in order not to wake his roommates.
The computer turned on. Password input. Opened a text editor.
With the screen dimmed and the room silent, he closed his eyes and started typing down everything he remembered, regardless of any grammatical mistakes he may be making.
10 minutes later, he opened his eyes and looked at his text.
She may not care for him, but if things worked out in the end, this would make one hell of a memory.

-----

He felt inspired.
After a recent trip to the museum, thoughts were constantly swimming across his head, and he wanted to put his inspiration to work.
He paused and thought of his artistic strengths. Not much in the way of design, but he was able to write fairly well... that would be his medium.
He opened up facebook and started typing a note.
Click. Click. Clicked one more time and it was time to insert the subject.
He needed to stop and consider this. What would he undertake, how to most efficiently channel his current creative high... How, he wondered? Maybe they would know, maybe the world would help him find out.
Pausing temporarily and he struggled to find the right words, he started typing: "Restless..."

-----

He felt lost.
He wouldn't- couldn't stop thinking about ... no, had to stay away from that.
Clear his mind.
He opened up facebook and started typing a note.
Click. Click. Clicked one more time and it was time to insert the subject.
He needed to stop thinking about it. It confused him and made him lose his mental equilibrium. He needed to... images, colors... a person. How, he wondered? Maybe they would know, maybe the world would help him find out.
Pausing temporarily, he started typing: "Restless..."

-----

He opened the door and took a step inside the shop.
Shit, he had expected less of a crowd than this.

-----

He took a while to think about how he'd lost her. He still didn't really understand.
He took out his diary, and wrote.

Jan 16th 2008 5:30 - 6:30 pm

"Why am i waiting here today?
It's been an hour.
Am i waiting for the farewell that you're not going to give me?
Distance.
What happened between us?
Does the fact that i like you make you hate me?
Does love kill friendship?
Does passion destroy good memories?

For everything i wrote in facebook.
For all the telling myself that i could move on.
i saw you today.
rationale, reason, all i told myself...
Forgotten.
Replaced by you. YOU.
Not the image, not the idea that i can discuss about at night with muyself. Not the one i can convince myself not to love.

There's too much to lose, too much loneliness, too much death.
But...
Thank you for the smile.

-----


June 8 2008 00:32 am
Location Hostel - unknown

It's been three months since my last entry. I found this little book, took it out, and re-read all my previous memories.
Time does make things better, as i'm no longer hurt over you, but the regrets remain: i wish i could go back and be a better friend.
We had a friendship once, a strong friendship.
i would like to rebuild this bridge between us whether it takes weeks, months, or the full 3 years i have left here.
From the depths of my heart: これから、よろしくね？

-----

November 10 2008
Can dreams come true before you make wishes of them?
Let's pretend that you actually get what you wish for on your birthday.
Can i be an exception? Can i bend the laws of time and make my wish now?

-----

Lost. Pacified. Hated. (2/3)

They got out of the car.
Smiles and words came easily as they walked the fair distance that separated them from their destination... A confusing exit from the badly organized carpark, a semi-silent walk down calm streets, the café came into view.
Entering, they sat down opposite each other at a small round table and took stock of their surroundings. Pictures of foods and drinks, the famous "white coffee" that had popularized the place, and the unmistakable aroma of freshly brewed coffee beans. He was about to raise his hand in signal for a menu when she silently laughed and put his hand back down. With a confidence that could only come from experience, she reached out and grabbed a small piece of paper that he'd so far ignored. Along with a pencil, she quickly wrote down their orders and passed it to one of the staff walking by.
Smiling and shaking his head silently in embarrassment, he tried to communicate his inexperience through hand movements and mouthed words.
It must have looked ridiculous, because it ignited another silent laugh from her, as well as a beautiful smile.

-----

"Will you kiss me?"
That was last week. A quick escape was made by kissing her hand and saying that he wasn't ready.
Was he really not ready yet? How long had they been an official couple?
Abstract thoughts of their 2 year friendship and 3 month relationship flew through his mind. He was ready... just... scared.
The first kiss. What was it? The breaking of a veil and the discovery of a new world? A physical touch between two people's lips? An emotional response stronger than any words?
Yeah... he was definitely scared.
Her room was really quiet. Sitting there, side by side on the floor, with their backs resting against the bed, they contemplated what to do next.
His lips were dry. Again.
Again and again he would pass his tongue over his lips, trying to keep some moisture on them long enough to kiss her.
He looked at her and then the floor. More silence followed.
It'd been over 30 minutes. 30 minutes of anticipation, of fear, of curiosity.
He looked at her again, and didn't look away.
He moved just a little closer to her, softly caressed her left cheek with his hand... briefly paused to moisten his already dry lips... and...
Kissed her.
His top lip over hers, softly brushing each other as their eyes closed... One time, twice, a brief withdrawal to look into her eyes, and another slow, soft light kiss.
Light flashed in the room and the world returned as they realized that it was raining outside. The noise of falling water creating little ripples of sound that couldn't begin to compare with the waves of happiness emanating from the young couple.
She looked at him again, smiling and almost crying, and asked him if he wanted to kiss her on the roof, in the rain.
He took her hand, and they ran to the roof.
Stepping out into the heavy rain, cold washed over them as their clothes were drenched and the wind whipped around them.
Careless? Oblivious.
Lightning struck again and provided a heavenly backlight to the two intertwined figures standing on the roof.
Rain fell, the sky thundered, the world spun around them in the chaotic dance of the storm, but even as wind froze their bodies to the bone, they were happy.
Warm, and happy.

-----

He was sitting at the bus stop, alone, and looked blankly ahead.
Cars passed by, a constant drone that kept him from being totally alone. Tired of waiting for his bus, he looked around him at the overhead highway, the people, and then back at the street.
But... the street was empty. Dark, with the street lights on, he was sitting next to her again.
Waiting for a taxi to get back home from her apartment, he had looked up at the silent highway overhead, then back at her, and smiled.
The taxi came... A few more words were spoken... and a beautiful hug was given.
A long look accompanied by a smile, he got in the taxi, closed the door, and-
Cars rushed by. Colors... reality came back.
Fuck. Just another memory of the past to haunt him.

-----

A long moment of silence. The fist against the wall started shaking slightly as a small tendril of blood dripped down from it and ran along the broken tiles. The hand came slowly back, and he stared at it in disbelief as he looked at the blood and porcelain that covered his knuckles.
One of the guys there said "What the heck are you doing?" and rushed to get him some bandages.
He knew though... he knew that she understood.
But she was quiet, looked at him but said nothing.
The fist clenched.

-----

He looked at his right hand and noticed a scar between his fingers. Smiling, he reminisced on the good memories of times past.

-----

Burned. Ethereal. Disjointed. (1/3)

The view was beautiful...
A delicate azure blue ocean, stretching from one side of his vision to the other, the light paned window barely able to contain his gaze within the room. Trees softly swaying back and forth in a gentle breeze, and the fresh smell of the ocean's air.
He turned around, brushed his long wavy hair away from his eyes and contemplated the inside of the room. The early morning's light coming through the window was just enough to make out a few details. The tall rattan wood closet pushed back against the right wall, the small flat table with a currently unused lamp, and of course, her delicate shape, resting on the bed.
He walked over in a few easy but quiet strides, gently sat down on the bed near her, and pushed the hair away from her face, looking down at her in a silent adoration.
He didn't understand why she was here. Why she was his.
He softly combed his hands through her hair and kissed her closed eyelids before reclining down besides her, content just to watch her sleep.
Time slowly lost track of him, or did he lose track of time? Nothing mattered anymore but the steady rise and fall of her chest, the only current proof that this person for which he lived half of his life was with him in that moment.
Another kiss, another touch, another prolonged look at her beautifully chiseled features.
Eternity could be spent like this.

-----

The needle hurt as it pierced the already fragile skin.
Fuck.
The drugs took the edge off, but he never seemed to remember how painful it was. The drugs went in, the needle came out, and then his consciousness left as well.
Euphoria at it's price... the only one not worth paying.

-----

She looked at him.
The room was silent, the screaming stopped.
All that was left was the look in her eyes, as her soul silently broke.
Nothing more was said. She sat down, he left.

------

Anything...
He would do anything for that smile.
Another bad joke, another embarrassing story.
She was walking away now, talking to her friends, but she never left his sight, nor his mind.

------
(taken from a true letter)

3 seconds.

I focused on you, on the intonation of your voice, the shape of your mouth as it formed it's words, your happy expression and the way your hair flowed up and down. The angle you maintained with me as you walked past, the way you clasped your hands together in a graceful thank you. The clothes you were wearing, and that smile...
And then you were past me, and i paused in my steps.

1 second.

I stopped and tried to memorize everything i had just seen and felt.
It was worth it. That was my reward. That was my happiness.

1 second

I turned around and watched you walk away.
Smiling to myself.

...

Thank you.

-----

It had been 2 hours.
She didn't come down for him... she never came. On his knees and fists, he stared down at the ground right below him and mentally smashed his fists into the marble. Again. Again. The blood flowed... Not out of his hands but out of his heart.
He was cut. destroyed. devastated.
Abandonment at a time like this? Ending up alone the night that he had planned his very first kiss?
He collapsed in the pool of his soul's blood, drowning in the agony of indifference and incomprehension. Didn't she care? Didn't she know?
Where was she? Why wasn't she there, by his side, apologizing for the pain that was nearly killing him?
The tears came. Like acid rain they fell and destroyed all that was left of him, leaving nothing but the shell of who he had been just 2 hours ago.