Question 13
What fortifies me?
I was asked to answer this question in a secular way, without reference to God. So, i'll just state that he is part of the answer, and elaborate on the rest:
Smiles.
Laughs.
Hugs.
Encouraging comments.
Facebook posts.
Friends around me.
Love of someone ->
Hope.
Hope would be the greatest encouragement.
Generally, the hope of possibility. No matter how bad a fix i'm in, i strongly believe that there's always hope. There's always a way out... And as long as i can believe that there's an answer to the problem, somewhere, anywhere, i will continue living.
Situations that seem to have no resolution, i will push to resove.
One could say that i have "faith" in "hope".
[with faith here meaning, i quote: "complete trust or confidence in someone or something"]
The link isn't always strong and hope does not always shine brightly, but i believe it'll always be there. So no matter how distant, hope will guide and fortify me.
Showing posts with label self introspection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self introspection. Show all posts
11.10.08
Question 12
Question 12
Why am i not afraid of sharing my mistakes?
Everyone makes mistakes, and it's an integral part of growing up. Of learning. An essential step on the way to maturity.
The way that people "grow" is simple.
They make mistakes,
they aknowledge their mistakes
they strive to understand why it was a mistake
they learn from their mistake
And finally they avoid making the same mistake the next time.
Some mistakes are more embarrassing than others, some deal with tabboo issues like drug use or sexuality... there are many reasons why people would choose to hide the mistakes they've made, even if it's a normal process. No one wants to be judged on something they've done in the past. It's human to always try to expose the best part of yourself for the outside world to see.
To my readers, of course i want to seem like a good person. But above that, i want to be seen as a person of integrity. So i lay out my faults along with the rest because i know you will trust me more. Even if what i say is not always correct, you will know that it is what i consider to be the truth. Or perhaps you will see your mistakes in mine and sympathize. Or know that i understand what your problem is.
I may lose a little respect, a little idealism.. but it's a small price to pay for a person's trust.
Why am i not afraid of sharing my mistakes?
Everyone makes mistakes, and it's an integral part of growing up. Of learning. An essential step on the way to maturity.
The way that people "grow" is simple.
They make mistakes,
they aknowledge their mistakes
they strive to understand why it was a mistake
they learn from their mistake
And finally they avoid making the same mistake the next time.
Some mistakes are more embarrassing than others, some deal with tabboo issues like drug use or sexuality... there are many reasons why people would choose to hide the mistakes they've made, even if it's a normal process. No one wants to be judged on something they've done in the past. It's human to always try to expose the best part of yourself for the outside world to see.
To my readers, of course i want to seem like a good person. But above that, i want to be seen as a person of integrity. So i lay out my faults along with the rest because i know you will trust me more. Even if what i say is not always correct, you will know that it is what i consider to be the truth. Or perhaps you will see your mistakes in mine and sympathize. Or know that i understand what your problem is.
I may lose a little respect, a little idealism.. but it's a small price to pay for a person's trust.
Question 11
Question 11
Why do i not feel confident now although i have in the past?
Because there really is a price to pay for not believing in the concept of cliques.
In retrospect, it's alright, but at the moment that it hits you, it usually hits hard.
The price for not belonging to a clique is the one of having no certainty in who your friends really are. It takes years to build a good friend, and yet, only days or hours to break one.
You may say that i have many friends. Certainly, i know a lot of people and are on personal talking terms with them, but does this qualify as friendship?
Friends are those who remain when others let you down. Friends are those that would show up at an unrelated event just because you're there.
Friends should be people that you really like spending time with and vice-versa.
Of course i have friends, real friends, but in those moments of doubt you tend to forget this and focus on how many people you know would abandon you if ever a crisis arose.
And then there's the situation in which i like someone.
People like confidence. Men and women both, appreciate confidence.
And yet, when i'm single and in that situation, all confidence leaves me and i second guess my every action in regards to that person. I tend to show a stranger and less stable side of myself (which, incidentally is obviously not attractive. It's not bad... just... strange). This of course tends to have the effect of scaring off the potential person and that's why it's so much harder for me to start relationships than maintain them.
And both these items are related, as the lack of confidence in myself begins with "her" effect on me, which makes me have self doubt in relation to my friendships.
Considering that people make up more than half of everything i strive to do in my life, love is obviously very important to me.
Why do i not feel confident now although i have in the past?
Because there really is a price to pay for not believing in the concept of cliques.
In retrospect, it's alright, but at the moment that it hits you, it usually hits hard.
The price for not belonging to a clique is the one of having no certainty in who your friends really are. It takes years to build a good friend, and yet, only days or hours to break one.
You may say that i have many friends. Certainly, i know a lot of people and are on personal talking terms with them, but does this qualify as friendship?
Friends are those who remain when others let you down. Friends are those that would show up at an unrelated event just because you're there.
Friends should be people that you really like spending time with and vice-versa.
Of course i have friends, real friends, but in those moments of doubt you tend to forget this and focus on how many people you know would abandon you if ever a crisis arose.
And then there's the situation in which i like someone.
People like confidence. Men and women both, appreciate confidence.
And yet, when i'm single and in that situation, all confidence leaves me and i second guess my every action in regards to that person. I tend to show a stranger and less stable side of myself (which, incidentally is obviously not attractive. It's not bad... just... strange). This of course tends to have the effect of scaring off the potential person and that's why it's so much harder for me to start relationships than maintain them.
And both these items are related, as the lack of confidence in myself begins with "her" effect on me, which makes me have self doubt in relation to my friendships.
Considering that people make up more than half of everything i strive to do in my life, love is obviously very important to me.
10.10.08
Question 10
Question 10
Do i like to observe things from an outside point of view, and then think of the in a deeper tone?
Huh, this is one strangely formatted question.
But yes, i do.
Umm... i like to think of the reason behind things. Or other possibilities. Or imagine what could have happened.
I like to observe a [emotional] situation unfold between two people and predict what he or she might have done to arrive at a happier ending.
I observe, i think, i learn, and then i try to help the next time.
I like to watch couples and predict whether or not they'll be together in a few years. In many years. Or... in a few months.
I like to observe how a couple may appear happy but are letting subconscious signs of discontent slip out and learn from them without interrupting.
I like to watch balloons and theorize on how much weight should be attached to the other end to create a perfect vertical balance.
I like wondering if all people actually saw different colors to which humankind has commonly attributed names. I like to wonder about how this theory would fit in with the concepts of gradients and light, and whether or not it could make sense.
I wonder similarily about taste and if the same fruit could mean two different things to different people, while maintaining the same nouns.
I like to sit in a dark room and talk to myself strange things.
I like wondering if i may be a little mentally off-balance after sitting and talking to myself in the dark for thirty minutes.
I used to like cutting myself with sharp objects, but only when i was absolutely certain that i was emotionally stable. I wanted to experience what it would feel like to do such a thing, while being reassured that no serious harm could come to me, or that i could not lose control of the situation.
I like typing notes like this, trying to explain who i am.
I like appearing "not quite normal" while also trying very hard to integrate myself into the lives of others.
I like doing many normal things for deeper reasons. Or seemingly deeper reasons.
Most interestingly, i like wondering whether or not other people go through this process.
I like wondering what you're thinking after having read this.
Do i like to observe things from an outside point of view, and then think of the in a deeper tone?
Huh, this is one strangely formatted question.
But yes, i do.
Umm... i like to think of the reason behind things. Or other possibilities. Or imagine what could have happened.
I like to observe a [emotional] situation unfold between two people and predict what he or she might have done to arrive at a happier ending.
I observe, i think, i learn, and then i try to help the next time.
I like to watch couples and predict whether or not they'll be together in a few years. In many years. Or... in a few months.
I like to observe how a couple may appear happy but are letting subconscious signs of discontent slip out and learn from them without interrupting.
I like to watch balloons and theorize on how much weight should be attached to the other end to create a perfect vertical balance.
I like wondering if all people actually saw different colors to which humankind has commonly attributed names. I like to wonder about how this theory would fit in with the concepts of gradients and light, and whether or not it could make sense.
I wonder similarily about taste and if the same fruit could mean two different things to different people, while maintaining the same nouns.
I like to sit in a dark room and talk to myself strange things.
I like wondering if i may be a little mentally off-balance after sitting and talking to myself in the dark for thirty minutes.
I used to like cutting myself with sharp objects, but only when i was absolutely certain that i was emotionally stable. I wanted to experience what it would feel like to do such a thing, while being reassured that no serious harm could come to me, or that i could not lose control of the situation.
I like typing notes like this, trying to explain who i am.
I like appearing "not quite normal" while also trying very hard to integrate myself into the lives of others.
I like doing many normal things for deeper reasons. Or seemingly deeper reasons.
Most interestingly, i like wondering whether or not other people go through this process.
I like wondering what you're thinking after having read this.
Question 9
Question 9
Do i have any kind of discriminatory system going on? Classicist, elitist, racist, sexist, homophobic?
Again, a difficult question disguised under an easier one.
I would think: "No. Plain and simple, no." But taking all things into account...
Classicist? Definitely not.
Racist? Hah. No.
Sexist: If anything, people could accuse me of being slightly sexist to the benefit of women, not their detriment.
Homophobic? No. In disagreement with the gay lifestyle but definitely not homophobic.
Elitist? Ehhh.....
So maybe a bit.
I like class. I like power. I like people dressed in crisp suits and women wearing cocktail dresses. I always feel at home in the lobby of a 4 or 5 star hotel... It's hard to describe, but i feel very, very.... at peace there. Like i belong.
More than illusions of grandeur, i think i have what it takes to make it in this world, and i would like to think that i will.
I admire higher society a great deal while remaining skeptical of their lower points. It's easy to think "i'm not going to fall into that pattern, right?" from down here, but i will have to remain vigilant.
Ignorant people frustrate me. I make an effort to get along well with any and everyone, but ignorance makes it hard. I may at times consider myself above them (not in a racially or humanly superior sense but socially)
It's interesting. I admire the elite for their ability, but am ashamed of their behavior. I want to be the other one up there, the one who makes it and remains integral. They exist, but are considerably fewer. I'll have to make a real effort... And i will need my friends to keep my mind down here.
So yes, my fatal flaw. I'm kinda cocky and i think i'm better than you most of the time. I think i'm more mature than other people in my age range and may show frustration at being stuck at this level due to age.
No one's perfect, and that's why i need you, my friends (and random blog readers) to keep me realistic by showing me my flaws.
I want to be perfect of course. So point out the problem and i'll try to work on it. You've been warned though: i'm proud sometimes and i know it.
Do i have any kind of discriminatory system going on? Classicist, elitist, racist, sexist, homophobic?
Again, a difficult question disguised under an easier one.
I would think: "No. Plain and simple, no." But taking all things into account...
Classicist? Definitely not.
Racist? Hah. No.
Sexist: If anything, people could accuse me of being slightly sexist to the benefit of women, not their detriment.
Homophobic? No. In disagreement with the gay lifestyle but definitely not homophobic.
Elitist? Ehhh.....
So maybe a bit.
I like class. I like power. I like people dressed in crisp suits and women wearing cocktail dresses. I always feel at home in the lobby of a 4 or 5 star hotel... It's hard to describe, but i feel very, very.... at peace there. Like i belong.
More than illusions of grandeur, i think i have what it takes to make it in this world, and i would like to think that i will.
I admire higher society a great deal while remaining skeptical of their lower points. It's easy to think "i'm not going to fall into that pattern, right?" from down here, but i will have to remain vigilant.
Ignorant people frustrate me. I make an effort to get along well with any and everyone, but ignorance makes it hard. I may at times consider myself above them (not in a racially or humanly superior sense but socially)
It's interesting. I admire the elite for their ability, but am ashamed of their behavior. I want to be the other one up there, the one who makes it and remains integral. They exist, but are considerably fewer. I'll have to make a real effort... And i will need my friends to keep my mind down here.
So yes, my fatal flaw. I'm kinda cocky and i think i'm better than you most of the time. I think i'm more mature than other people in my age range and may show frustration at being stuck at this level due to age.
No one's perfect, and that's why i need you, my friends (and random blog readers) to keep me realistic by showing me my flaws.
I want to be perfect of course. So point out the problem and i'll try to work on it. You've been warned though: i'm proud sometimes and i know it.
Question 8
Question 8
How do i deal with cliques, and integration into them?
Cliques... i've always kind of hated the word ever since i found out what it meant. What's the point of having a group of friends that you would restrict yourself to? In some other cases, what's the point of surrounding yourself with only like-minded people?
I do not belong to a clique. Or perhaps you would say that i belong to several, making no distinction of the invisible lines traced by others.
I try to evaluate people on a case by case basis. Your friends are not my friends, and your enemies are not my enemies by default. I may be given a positive or negative outlook from your perspective but i will still attempt to treat a person fairly when meeting them for the first time. [There are, of course, exceptions to this. If a girl tells me that her ex is a asshole without further justification, i will carry a negative conotation of this person but still give him fair treatment when meeting for the first time. my friend is obviously fairly biased, and perhaps it was simply a misunderstanding between them. IF however the same situation repeats itself and it is known as fact that he cheated on her, i will give him no respect as he deserves none. This is not due to personal bias but in respect to the person himself and his past documented actions.]
Integration into cliques is easy. Far easier than believed, probably.
Cliques are just groups of people that feel comfortable together.
Although people like that feeling of familiarity, it is almost never the case that a person who fits well with everyone else in the group is not able to join it. Makes sense, doesn't it?
To join a clique, all that is needed is social sense as well as a little effort on your part.
People want friends.
Friends are made through connections.
So get connected. Find something relevant to talk about. Take safe topics.
And by "safe" i don't mean things that are non-emotionally related.
by "safe" i mean things that people naturally have a strong opinion of.
Politics
Music
Sex (but be cautious when using this one though, depending on who you're talking to and how open they are. Note, this subject is far easier to bring up amongst a group than one on one: can be extremely awkward and mar the potential connection perhaps beyond repair)
Talk to everyone, when one person of the clique sees that you are comfortable with more than at least one other person there, they will likely open up to you. The more people in the clique accept you, the faster the others will want to know you too.
The beginning's the hardest part, but once the initial victory is won it's very simple and a matter of just being someone that they would want as a friend. I'm gonna write another entry on how to do that later though.
How do i deal with cliques, and integration into them?
Cliques... i've always kind of hated the word ever since i found out what it meant. What's the point of having a group of friends that you would restrict yourself to? In some other cases, what's the point of surrounding yourself with only like-minded people?
I do not belong to a clique. Or perhaps you would say that i belong to several, making no distinction of the invisible lines traced by others.
I try to evaluate people on a case by case basis. Your friends are not my friends, and your enemies are not my enemies by default. I may be given a positive or negative outlook from your perspective but i will still attempt to treat a person fairly when meeting them for the first time. [There are, of course, exceptions to this. If a girl tells me that her ex is a asshole without further justification, i will carry a negative conotation of this person but still give him fair treatment when meeting for the first time. my friend is obviously fairly biased, and perhaps it was simply a misunderstanding between them. IF however the same situation repeats itself and it is known as fact that he cheated on her, i will give him no respect as he deserves none. This is not due to personal bias but in respect to the person himself and his past documented actions.]
Integration into cliques is easy. Far easier than believed, probably.
Cliques are just groups of people that feel comfortable together.
Although people like that feeling of familiarity, it is almost never the case that a person who fits well with everyone else in the group is not able to join it. Makes sense, doesn't it?
To join a clique, all that is needed is social sense as well as a little effort on your part.
People want friends.
Friends are made through connections.
So get connected. Find something relevant to talk about. Take safe topics.
And by "safe" i don't mean things that are non-emotionally related.
by "safe" i mean things that people naturally have a strong opinion of.
Politics
Music
Sex (but be cautious when using this one though, depending on who you're talking to and how open they are. Note, this subject is far easier to bring up amongst a group than one on one: can be extremely awkward and mar the potential connection perhaps beyond repair)
Talk to everyone, when one person of the clique sees that you are comfortable with more than at least one other person there, they will likely open up to you. The more people in the clique accept you, the faster the others will want to know you too.
The beginning's the hardest part, but once the initial victory is won it's very simple and a matter of just being someone that they would want as a friend. I'm gonna write another entry on how to do that later though.
Question 7
Question 7
How did i evolve from a timid anti-social person to who i am now?
This question can be answered in steps. Contrarily to what one might think, the changes weren't very gradual but were set by definite events.
Stage 1: timid, anti-social: 4 years ago.
15 years old, not popular, shadowed by a brother (who is reading this :P but hey, it _was_ true) and knows nothing about women whatsoever.
Then, i met Ashley, who would eventually come to be my first girlfriend.
It was not hard to relate to her, we both had... "different" tastes, and i overcame my timidity of her that way.
She was very much a "screw the world and society if they don't like you" kind of person, and i adopted that attitude from her, since i did not really have one of my own. I learned to care less about what society and friends thought about me... and to my great surprise, people started liking me more when i tried to please them less.
I was no longer quite as timid, although definitely still quite antisocial.
The next step was upgrading my confidence. Looks matter.
No matter what they say, looks matter.
I WILL however emphasize that it's about feeling good in your skin than looking good in comparison to the norm.
A person that thinks they look nice will be less awkward, and act more naturally around members of the opposite (and similar) sex. Through this boost to their confidence, their charisma and social outlook will also change, making them that much more sociable.
Now i'd never been proud of my appearance before, not even with Ashley. I wasn't ashamed of who i was, but i didn't like the way i looked. I didn't feel handsome, or even average.
That all changed when i went to Japan. Feb 2007.
Suddenly i caught people looking my way (of both genders) and the attitude of some towards me finally made me feel... wanted. Accepted as being above the norm. I qualify much of this to my skin color, racial stereotypes that white people are nicer (as portrayed in japanese movies) and general curiosity but still. Still. It gave me that confidence boost that i needed so badly and completely and radically changed my life.
Haha, now i'd say i'm fairly confident about everything in life from my future to my job to my life in general, except for love. Ah, treacherous thing.
So yes. That's how i changed to how i am today, mostly, with small refinements from friends along the way.
If you're in the slump that i was in, here's my (not so serious) advice.
1- Get a rebellious girlfriend.
2- Go to Japan. You'll love it.
How did i evolve from a timid anti-social person to who i am now?
This question can be answered in steps. Contrarily to what one might think, the changes weren't very gradual but were set by definite events.
Stage 1: timid, anti-social: 4 years ago.
15 years old, not popular, shadowed by a brother (who is reading this :P but hey, it _was_ true) and knows nothing about women whatsoever.
Then, i met Ashley, who would eventually come to be my first girlfriend.
It was not hard to relate to her, we both had... "different" tastes, and i overcame my timidity of her that way.
She was very much a "screw the world and society if they don't like you" kind of person, and i adopted that attitude from her, since i did not really have one of my own. I learned to care less about what society and friends thought about me... and to my great surprise, people started liking me more when i tried to please them less.
I was no longer quite as timid, although definitely still quite antisocial.
The next step was upgrading my confidence. Looks matter.
No matter what they say, looks matter.
I WILL however emphasize that it's about feeling good in your skin than looking good in comparison to the norm.
A person that thinks they look nice will be less awkward, and act more naturally around members of the opposite (and similar) sex. Through this boost to their confidence, their charisma and social outlook will also change, making them that much more sociable.
Now i'd never been proud of my appearance before, not even with Ashley. I wasn't ashamed of who i was, but i didn't like the way i looked. I didn't feel handsome, or even average.
That all changed when i went to Japan. Feb 2007.
Suddenly i caught people looking my way (of both genders) and the attitude of some towards me finally made me feel... wanted. Accepted as being above the norm. I qualify much of this to my skin color, racial stereotypes that white people are nicer (as portrayed in japanese movies) and general curiosity but still. Still. It gave me that confidence boost that i needed so badly and completely and radically changed my life.
Haha, now i'd say i'm fairly confident about everything in life from my future to my job to my life in general, except for love. Ah, treacherous thing.
So yes. That's how i changed to how i am today, mostly, with small refinements from friends along the way.
If you're in the slump that i was in, here's my (not so serious) advice.
1- Get a rebellious girlfriend.
2- Go to Japan. You'll love it.
7.10.08
Question 6
Question 6
What is it that motivates me?
The answer to this one is simple:
Love.
Love in its many, various forms.
Of these 3, two are most prevalent.
Passion love-
Friend love-
(the third, physical love, also has its important place, but not in my motivations unless specific requirements are met)
Friend love:
The interaction between people is a main motivation in my life. I want to find out why people are the way they are. What pushes them. How to understand them. How to relate to them. That's why some people say that i'm a good listener: everything matters. Flaws, quirks, good times, problems... all help in the understanding of a person, and all are part of my goal.
Hmm... how to explain?
Each person contains a goal. And that goal is to know the person well enough to be considered a good friend. To always be able to relate and share.
If you're reading this, and i know you, then you are also part of my goal. You've taken the time to try to find out about who i am, i will therefore return the favor in earnest and sincerity. Not out of a form of abligation or to "return the favor", no. Just because that's who i am. This is what i do with my life.
Note:
I'm crazy enough to spell my life out like this. Bar nothing, trust all completely. If i have no secrets, what point is there in trying to undermine me? There is no need for gossip. Anything good or bad you want to know about me i will gladly share.
Of course i don't expect this of others. It takes a long time to win someone's trust, and i will be normal in trying to get to know you better and earn your trust.
Passion love:
It would help to read the monologue i wrote to understand a bit more about this. (will post this up next)
Since 12, (with of course an increasing amount of seriousness) i have waited for "her".
At first, she was whoever i liked at the time.
Then she was projected onto my first girlfriend.
Then the second.
Now i don't dare to judge or take a guess at who she might be anymore. I will leave that to God's will, as i'm sure he has the right person for me lurking somewhere. ;) Therefore the empty chair in the monologue.
I may have met her already. I may meet her in 10 years, who knows?
I'll only be sure the moment that we're walking down the aisle together, Our hands entwined around the new rings that shine so brightly.
I'd do anything to find out who she was... but it's frustrating that the only true proof is time, and you can't hurry that up. All i can do is choose wisely, and hope that she will be the next one.
It kills me, not knowing. And at the same time, it's oddly enticing.
Do i know her? Is she reading this now?
Are you reading this now?
What is it that motivates me?
The answer to this one is simple:
Love.
Love in its many, various forms.
Of these 3, two are most prevalent.
Passion love-
Friend love-
(the third, physical love, also has its important place, but not in my motivations unless specific requirements are met)
Friend love:
The interaction between people is a main motivation in my life. I want to find out why people are the way they are. What pushes them. How to understand them. How to relate to them. That's why some people say that i'm a good listener: everything matters. Flaws, quirks, good times, problems... all help in the understanding of a person, and all are part of my goal.
Hmm... how to explain?
Each person contains a goal. And that goal is to know the person well enough to be considered a good friend. To always be able to relate and share.
If you're reading this, and i know you, then you are also part of my goal. You've taken the time to try to find out about who i am, i will therefore return the favor in earnest and sincerity. Not out of a form of abligation or to "return the favor", no. Just because that's who i am. This is what i do with my life.
Note:
I'm crazy enough to spell my life out like this. Bar nothing, trust all completely. If i have no secrets, what point is there in trying to undermine me? There is no need for gossip. Anything good or bad you want to know about me i will gladly share.
Of course i don't expect this of others. It takes a long time to win someone's trust, and i will be normal in trying to get to know you better and earn your trust.
Passion love:
It would help to read the monologue i wrote to understand a bit more about this. (will post this up next)
Since 12, (with of course an increasing amount of seriousness) i have waited for "her".
At first, she was whoever i liked at the time.
Then she was projected onto my first girlfriend.
Then the second.
Now i don't dare to judge or take a guess at who she might be anymore. I will leave that to God's will, as i'm sure he has the right person for me lurking somewhere. ;) Therefore the empty chair in the monologue.
I may have met her already. I may meet her in 10 years, who knows?
I'll only be sure the moment that we're walking down the aisle together, Our hands entwined around the new rings that shine so brightly.
I'd do anything to find out who she was... but it's frustrating that the only true proof is time, and you can't hurry that up. All i can do is choose wisely, and hope that she will be the next one.
It kills me, not knowing. And at the same time, it's oddly enticing.
Do i know her? Is she reading this now?
Are you reading this now?
4.10.08
Question 1
Question Number 1
What is the worst thing i've ever done to a person?
At first, i thought i would have a hard time answering this question, but i realized that i have done something horrible to someone in the past.
I'm not proud of it of course. Who is proud of their biggest mistake?
I broke someone's heart. And not in an easy way. Not in a progressive way.
Because i didn't want to hurt her, i pretended that everything was fine between us. I pretended, and pretended, and until the very last second i don't think she suspected how much harder it was for me to continue loving her. The long distance didn't help much of course... But i'm not going to get into why i broke up with her just yet. That would be getting off the question.
Having your heart broken by someone is never easy.
Having your heart broken when you're convinced they're going to marry you, and you were seriously planning to travel internationally to get a job where they live, and serious enough to book a plane ticket when they tell you they're going to leave...
I'm a bit ashamed of how i did it in the end. I'm ashamed of LOGIC.
I did it well. Efficiently. I told her, i consoled her, i tried to continue the friendship... I followed all the right steps (note: i did so _with_ emotion as this was very hard for me as well, it wasn't just calculations or going through the motions).
So then, why did i do it?
Again, for "the right reason". For "the future".
She was going to come to Singapore and work here, all for my sake.
I didn't know if i was capable of continuing to love her for the rest of my life, and i didn't want to ruin hers by having her come here and then breaking up eventually.
So i did "the right thing" and i broke it off before she could come, to save her pain later on.
Please, anyone who read this, tell me if that makes sense.
Expanding on the first question, i'll try to tackle the issue: "what is the worse thing you'd ever do to a person?"
Hm. I think i'm a nice enough guy and i would instinctively go for the answer "nothing". But of course the way that one thinks when one is angry or depressed is very much varied from the norm.
I don't really "do" anger or hate. I do resentment.
I do avoidance, i do disgust. I do not do gossip. I do not bring physical pain in the balance. I do not insult. I do sarcasm.
Hm, sarcasm, yes. if i need to be angry at you for whatever reason (and trust me, it is VERY dificult to get me angry :P) I will
1- avoid you to avoid problems.
I have an intrinsic and interesting ability to REALLY not be able to hold a grudge. Give me 2 days, maximum a week, and i'll be desperatly trying to fix our relationship whatever any given problem was in the past. (unless it's something REALLY huge which i've luckily yet to deal with.) So avoid you, the problem will not go away, but i will regain the will to try to fix the problem in time.
2- If i cannot avoid you, use sarcasm. No outright attacks, but i will attempt (and generally quite well) to make anything you say sound ignorant. I'm not proud of this.
Again, as mentionned earlier, it's very, very, very difficult to actually get me angry, so you'll likely never see this. But these notes are to let people know about me, even the less positive, less advertised aspects.
What is the worst thing i've ever done to a person?
At first, i thought i would have a hard time answering this question, but i realized that i have done something horrible to someone in the past.
I'm not proud of it of course. Who is proud of their biggest mistake?
I broke someone's heart. And not in an easy way. Not in a progressive way.
Because i didn't want to hurt her, i pretended that everything was fine between us. I pretended, and pretended, and until the very last second i don't think she suspected how much harder it was for me to continue loving her. The long distance didn't help much of course... But i'm not going to get into why i broke up with her just yet. That would be getting off the question.
Having your heart broken by someone is never easy.
Having your heart broken when you're convinced they're going to marry you, and you were seriously planning to travel internationally to get a job where they live, and serious enough to book a plane ticket when they tell you they're going to leave...
I'm a bit ashamed of how i did it in the end. I'm ashamed of LOGIC.
I did it well. Efficiently. I told her, i consoled her, i tried to continue the friendship... I followed all the right steps (note: i did so _with_ emotion as this was very hard for me as well, it wasn't just calculations or going through the motions).
So then, why did i do it?
Again, for "the right reason". For "the future".
She was going to come to Singapore and work here, all for my sake.
I didn't know if i was capable of continuing to love her for the rest of my life, and i didn't want to ruin hers by having her come here and then breaking up eventually.
So i did "the right thing" and i broke it off before she could come, to save her pain later on.
Please, anyone who read this, tell me if that makes sense.
Expanding on the first question, i'll try to tackle the issue: "what is the worse thing you'd ever do to a person?"
Hm. I think i'm a nice enough guy and i would instinctively go for the answer "nothing". But of course the way that one thinks when one is angry or depressed is very much varied from the norm.
I don't really "do" anger or hate. I do resentment.
I do avoidance, i do disgust. I do not do gossip. I do not bring physical pain in the balance. I do not insult. I do sarcasm.
Hm, sarcasm, yes. if i need to be angry at you for whatever reason (and trust me, it is VERY dificult to get me angry :P) I will
1- avoid you to avoid problems.
I have an intrinsic and interesting ability to REALLY not be able to hold a grudge. Give me 2 days, maximum a week, and i'll be desperatly trying to fix our relationship whatever any given problem was in the past. (unless it's something REALLY huge which i've luckily yet to deal with.) So avoid you, the problem will not go away, but i will regain the will to try to fix the problem in time.
2- If i cannot avoid you, use sarcasm. No outright attacks, but i will attempt (and generally quite well) to make anything you say sound ignorant. I'm not proud of this.
Again, as mentionned earlier, it's very, very, very difficult to actually get me angry, so you'll likely never see this. But these notes are to let people know about me, even the less positive, less advertised aspects.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)